Stressed

A city girl, I am not. I need to be places that are smaller, where I feel somewhat safe if I get lost, and where there is parking. Parking is key. Not easy to come by in a city.

I'm heading up to San Francisco this evening for a friend's birthday and I'm a nervous wreck all because of parking (well, mostly). Finding parking, being lost, walking in the dark, etc. But I really, really want to go, and I'm going to try my best not to let anxiety about it take it away. I can't promise I won't cry out of frustration but I'll try to put my city hat on and deal.

Let's clean house

SERIOUSLY.

I never want to see my house looking the way it does now again. It's unholy.

Thank you to Neil for coming over to help with this mess.

All right, let's get to work!

Gee eye

As I'm sure I've posted on this blog before about my numerous stomach issues, I thought I owed an update. I saw a GI specialist at Stanford yesterday (had to wait 2.5 months to get in). My own GI doc had kind of passed me off for more extensive testing. It's not going to be pretty, kids. I guess I should just be glad that nothing involves my butt.

Tests ordered:
1. 4 hour gastric emptying study: eat some food with a radioactive isotope and get scanned for 4 hours so they can watch what my stomach does with the food and how fast it moves.
2. Esophageal Manometry: they are going to stick a tube up my nose and down my esophagus to like, measure stuff. The test lasts about 45 minutes and will not be comfortable.
3. Esophageal Impedance Test: another test with a tube up my nose and into my esophagus, only it's connected to a device that I get to wear for 24 hours. Yep. I'm going to be that weirdo you want to stare at, wondering what the hell is wrong with them and if you should keep your distance.

I kindly ask you not to be jealous.\

A picture of a girl during the manometry test shows that it is a good time:

OH, and these tests do not involve sedation of any type!

Bark!

My 16.7 lb. dog thinks she's more like 160 lbs. It's embarrassing. We just spent an hour at the vet and it was not fun. She barked a ton and growled. Mostly she just had to bark at everything. None of the other dogs did this. It made me feel like the worst dog owner ever. I have no control over her!

The picture below depicts what I think Dakota thinks she looks like sometimes.

It's hard having a dog. It's way more work than I thought it would be; it's like having a toddler most of the time. Thank god for day care because I would be much more insane if not for that.

This is awful to admit, but sometimes I have regrets as much as I am completely in love with her. But then I think about someone else getting this little bundle of crazy and it makes me glad that I get to be her mom.

She just needs to settle down. She's still young and a terrier, so I'm told I have a couple more years to wait...

Here's me at a meeting

I like to argue.

When I grow up

I want to be a writer, editor, fraud investigator, support coordinator, user advocate, magic unicorn and goddess.

Does anyone know where I might find a job like this?

Do something

This program I'm in -- I'm so over it. Feeling done. Yeah, I got angry about something which makes me want to not go back, but also I just really want to move on with my life! I've started looking at jobs and I'm feeling really motivated to DO SOMETHING.

Decapitation won't slow me down

I'm all manic-like, yet I feel really tired physically. Like I can feel it in my eyes and face. My body is sore (stupid back)...

Mind is racing. I'm 5 steps ahead of everyone else when they're talking. "Get to it already!!"

Misery

Some people are so miserable All. The. Time. It's exhausting.

I swear I'm not one of those people. I won't be.

Career update

My career at company.com is coming to an end very soon after 9 years (7 of which were good!). I've found two job ads (both at very prestigious and well-known super tech companies). I don't know anyone at one, and know several at the other company. I just emailed someone I used to work with to ask if he'd refer me. I don't think it'll go anywhere but the worst he can say is no, right? In which case I can just apply directly. And the worst thing that can happen is that I'm rejected. For a job. It's OK.

I got it in my head that I must get a Macbook Air (I want to learn Mac!). I wish I weren't so busy during the week so I could go to the Apple store. Harumph!

Weekend update with Erin

It turns out that my mental health day on Wednesday was great for me. I have been in a much better mood ever since then. I'm a little frustrated with myself right now. I have a ton of laundry to do and I've barely done any of it. I made this agreement (just to myself) that I would make progress on this today and I haven't gotten very far. My back is hurting really bad.

Why doesn't every laundry detergent maker have an 'he' version? They should. High efficiency washers have been around forever now. Tangents and babbling.

Back to the daily grind tomorrow BUT I should be finding out when I can go down to a part-time schedule and hopefully it's soon! I don't think I can take more than this week of these long ass days.

Gonna take Dakota for a walk today. Yesterday we were up in San Francisco and we walked to a park and hung out there for a little bit. She drank out of some woman's coffee cup. Luckily the woman didn't care! Dakota's so rude. ;P

I'm skipping my program today. I got pissed at the staff and I really just need a day full of kitten snuggles, laundry and cleaning, and "me time." Is that too much to ask? I need a mental health day from mental health. And how!

Gonna try to stick to eating on a schedule. Yuppers.

In other news, I'm 90% sure I'm going to sign the settlement for work soon. I want to get it over with.

Oh my god, my cats are being so adorable right now. Colby is rolling around with a toy in her mouth and Tig just ran over to see what she's doing. I think I sense some wrasslin' coming on!

Procrastination is the word

I think it makes it much harder to be productive on a day off when you wake up at noon. Now here it is after 1:00 and I haven't done jack squat yet. (Oh but I will. I think.)

I probably slept for 12 hours, and on the couch. I never made it up to bed. I just sort of passed out.

Hmm, this is how I feel, in a nutshell:

Decisons, decisions

I have a big decision to make. Unfortunately I can't blog about it. Sorry, kids. I'm such a tease.

My health program thing is going OK but it's stressful and exhausting. It gives me a ton to think about every second of the day so I'm emotionally drained. There's so much going on in my head. Thank you weekend for letting me have a little bit of a break. I used to dread the weekends but now that I'm doing this program, I have so much structure and my M-F are actually quite busy (packed, really), it's my only time off. You know, like a NORMAL person! This will help me when I need to go back to the working world.

I passed out last night at 9pm last night and woke up at close to 11 today and now I have that sleep hangover feeling. But I don't have any plans today besides cleaning up around the house and relaxing, so it's okay.

I found out I'm pretty iron-deficient which really helps explain why I'm always so tired with low energy. So I started taking iron supplements yesterday. I've read that I can expect to start feeling better within a week although it will take months for my iron levels to reach "normal" levels. Bummer, but I did this to myself.