Goodbye June

June was a rough month for me. I've been switching around some medications and been feeling so "off," I fired my dietitian for being a major bitch to me, lost some friends... I've fallen apart more than once. It's been overall sucky. So even though my carpool stickers expire tonight at midnight, I'm hoping that July will be better, even if just a little!

You want to hear about my insides?

I've been trying to get a hold of my Stanford GI specialist about that failed test from June 15th but she's so busy, so that's been a challenge. I got to speak to her nurse practitioner yesterday and she told me that the gastric manometry test really can't be done with sedation because you have to be alert enough to follow directions on when to swallow/not swallow. I told her that my body simply won't tolerate the test without some sort of sedation. So now I'm just waiting for the doctor to get back to me.

It's a fun little game.

There is a light that never goes out

It's hard.

Everything.

I need to continue to reach out to those that are my true friends and not shut down just because a few people have completely lamed out on me. It's hard because with the end of each of these relationships, it's like a little light goes out in me. I lose more faith in people. Dealing with people becomes harder, because I don't trust them. I've been burned. People that said they cared have flat out abandoned me. I should grow a thicker skin, I know, but it never works. I am always going to be super sensitive to this I'm afraid.

Just having a rough day. Well, rough past month I guess. Hell, it goes beyond that...

Which is better?

Is it better to leave than to be left behind?

I always hang in there until the bitter end and then I'm left...well, bitter. Not to mention I feel like a complete jackass...

Maybe I choose the wrong people to be friends with. Maybe I hold onto friendships too long when the other person has just moved away from it (er, me). I'm a clinger, and I hate it, because it always means that I'm left alone hurting. A lot. I don't understand how some people can just simply not care. It seems so callous.

So really, which is better?

Okay

It's frustrating to know what you should be doing, but you can't do it because your mind is in a state of paralysis. I must remind myself on a daily (or hourly basis or more) that this too shall pass.

We're all going to be okay.

Survived!

I survived the week and you guys just have no idea how hard it was. I don't really feel like going into details but if anyone does want to know more, hit me up with an email.

I'm just glad to have made it through.

Last week's test

Last Wednesday, I had the special treat of having an (attempted) nasoesophageal manometry test. (Possibly spelled wrong -- whatever.) I have had my fair share of medical tests done, including sticking a camera up my ass (TWICE) with no sedation. I knew this new GI test was going to be "uncomfortable" because that was the doctor's words and pretty much how it's explained out there on the internets. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but hey, they do these things all the time right? Surely I'd make it through.

Let me start by telling you the basics of this test. It requires them to stick a rather stiff tube in through your nose, down to your throat, and then pass it into the esophagus, where they stick it all the way down to your stomach (but not going into your stomach). This is basically a type of "swallow" test...the tube has sensors that detect the contractions in your throat, upper and lower esophagus.

First the nurse put a ton of numbing lube in my left nostril with a Q-tip. The farther she could get it in, the better. I wanted that sucker numb, as it was about to be violated. Then she sprayed my throat a couple of times to help numb it and it's supposed to help weaken the gag reflex. (More on this in a bit.) So she finally decides it's time to try sticking the tube in. It's OK at first but then it starts tickling really bad and I had to sneeze, which means she took it out. She had to start over. Try #2, same thing happens. So she lubes up the tube and goes in for another try. This time she hits the back of my throat. I don't like the feeling AT ALL. She has another nurse come in and do the twist required to make sure it doesn't just come out of my nose and that it goes into my esophagus and not my trachea. When they hit my throat I puked on them and myself. They had me put my head down and had me sip water so they could advance the tube past my throat. I was all stressed so my esophagus had sorta closed up business. Every time they had me take a sip, I'd barf it back up but they eventually still managed to get the tube down near my stomach. Hard part over? You'd think.

Then I had to lay down and try not to swallow, but my body was going crazy and wanted that tube OUT of me. My eyes were watering and I was in so much discomfort. They had taped the tube to my nose and each swallow resulted in the tube being tugged at. My nose could handle this, but my throat decided it could take no more, and revolted. I started barfing all over the place. The nurse said I was retching. I couldn't stop. She asked if she should take the tube out and I said YES (although I could barely speak). I couldn't go through with the test because I couldn't stop gagging or swallowing. So now I guess I have to have this test done with sedation. It's been 5 days since I was violated and my throat still doesn't feel right! There's another test they were going to do which required a thinner tube to stay down my nose and in my esophagus to measure ph levels (which I would have to wear for 24 hours) but honestly I don't see how I'd be able to handle that. I don't think I can handle having something at the back of my throat.

The nurses made a comment at one point like, "Oh, it's a good thing you came in for this test!" because they noticed some abnormality. But what it is, I have no idea. I couldn't ask because I was busy choking and gagging and totally freaking out. Once the tube was out, I didn't ask because I think I was just in a state of shock. I was in pain. I had just gone through a horrible experience.

Now I don't know what to do. I emailed the GI specialist that ordered the tests and told her what happened and asked her what I should do next. Still waiting on a response.

This test is NOT usually this bad. There must be something about my anatomy, or possibly a condition, that causes me to gag and yack repeatedly at times. :(

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

Rant

You see, I'm not supposed to be fat. I was never supposed to be fat. I've always been on the smaller "petite" side. Well, until 2010. 2010 and 2011, you are killing me with fatness and not doing so softly, either.

Oh my poor, damaged metabolism! Please come back! :( I really can't take it anymore -- mentally or physically.


End rant.

Fingers crossed

I started a new medication today...

I hope that it helps.

Because things were getting like, bad.

Hanging in

Just trying to hang in there. Bit of a rough patch here. But, all is not doom and gloom and hopefully I'll be feeling better soonish.

This week is going to be pretty busy and uncomfortable.

1) Dentist tomorrow and I'm scared, scared, scared! I am hoping Ativan + nitrous will get me through.
2) Gastro tests Wednesday which will be quite unpleasant I've been told. Not to mention that having a tube taped to my face for 24 hours is probably going to suck. "Take a picture, it'll last longer!" I don't like people looking at me as it is!


P.S.
I know I sounded like I was ready to ship my dog off to the farm yesterday, but I'm not. I LOVE HER. I would never do that, ever.

Confession: mom failure

Sometimes (and maybe even a bit more lately...) I really question my decision to get a dog. I often feel that I am not capable of taking care of this dog and that she would be better off somewhere else. I wonder what she thinks? Mostly I just feel like I'm cheating her and that I'm a bad dog mom. She goes to day care Monday through Friday even though I'm not even working right now. Don't get me wrong, she loves it there, and they love her, but I have to admit...I'd go insane without the help of doggy day care. So I happily plop down $500-something for 6 weeks that I just don't have to deal with her. And I feel horrible about this.

I feel bad for my cats, because they hate the dog and I ruined their lives when I brought her in. We were content, and I ruined it.

I feel guilty for being a bad pet mom. I don't have the energy to properly handle all of my pets and it sucks. Good thing I don't have children, right? Geez.

I just feel like I'm doing the bare minimum. I'm keeping them alive. I love them, I do. I love them so much. The dog just pushed me over the edge and things have been really hard since I got her. I just can't deal a lot of the time. When it's time for bed, it's a relief because I can get her into bed and she snuggles up to me and sleeps through the night and I don't have to worry. It's always a relief when she's sleeping... it's a relief when I can give her a chew toy that I know she'll love and she'll leave me alone for an hour.

And with all of these feelings, I don't know what to do. I love my animals. I would literally die without them, I'm serious.

I rarely get deep on this blog, because it's public and I just don't want to share that much, so I keep it surface-y. But right now, I am giving you a little bit more. I have tears in my eyes while I type this because it hurts so much to 1) admit this and 2) feel all of these emotions. Now the tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be better.

Let's remind ourselves

That it's not cool to end up in the local urgent care with a tube in your arm, giving you fluids.

I need this reminder sometimes.

I like planes

I really like this video that my mom sent me a few days ago. Oh if only passenger jets were that fast.

A-OK!

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind...
Everything's fine!
I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death...
Everything's fine!

Second dress I own now

Dress for Saturday's cocktail party. Woo!

I had fun tonight.

Alcohol was involved. So what?

Whisper 'til the coffee comes.
Whisper 'til you come undone.

I fired my dietitian.
I might file a complaint.
I don't want to see another.
Frankly, I'm not impressed with these people and their profession.

You never gave it wind.
You never let me in.

Unfriended an old dear friend tonight on the fb.
It was time to let go.
She and her husband have turned into rotten people. Definitely not people I want to be friends with.

I hope you find the day that you came undone.
While I absorb you and what you've done.



You never gave it wind.
You never let me in.




Curious about the weird lyrics thrown in there? Listen to the lovely song here.

Don't lick the envelopes

The phone screen went fine (I think) but they actually told me not to expect a response for a month. Ridic? Yes.

That's OK.

Not feeling so well lately but it's mostly my own doing. Damn crazies!

I really need to figure out how I want this blog to look. I keep playing with different templates but can never get it right.

This was really random.