Coming to

After three whole days of utter crappiness, I think I'm coming out of it.

It felt like I didn't take my meds during that time. I was so angry and frustrated, so out of it. Even light-headed. Probably lack of nutrition. OK, no doubt that's playing into it. I saw my RD yesterday and it's something I need to work on, I know. I'm going to attempt to eat tortellini at lunch today and just chew it up really good and hope for the best. I think my stomach can handle it. Fingers crossed!

I'm definitely feeling more 'normal' today, which is good. Now I just need to stay this way!

Making the list

I'm building up a shit list. Want to be on it?

Attention: weekend communication

If you talked to me at all over the weekend in any way, I'm warning you I was pretty cracked out of my mind and probably barely recall IM'ing or emailing you. So... I already know I pissed one person off in email. Hopefully not others.

Sorry!

P.S. worst weekend ever.

A challenging day

I had a pretty rough day today for several reasons. Actually I woke up in a foul mood and that just didn't go away. I'm glad the day is almost over.

Sometimes I feel like people are very critical over things that I choose to say on my blogs. I get laid into for wanting veneers, admitting I haven't worn my retainers, or people read too much into things or twist things around and use it against me. It sucks, because I am choosing to write things about my life on a public forum. While I welcome people's thoughts and opinions, I shouldn't be JUDGED for saying what's on my mind or for doing x, y, or z. People that choose to read (key word: CHOOSE) should stop acting like members of a jury. I'm only human. Sometimes I seriously contemplate just yanking everything down. I feel really exposed right now.

I am purposely somewhat cryptic on this blog because it is my free-form/whatever blog which is totally open to anyone that finds it. And still...still...I get shit.

It might sound like I'm pretty open on here, but usually I'm holding a ton back on purpose and I don't know...maybe I need to be even less open than I am now. I shouldn't have to worry about being judged and bitched out due to things I write on my blogs.

Healing

Still in big time recovery mode from the surgery and it's trending upwards, but I do have set-backs. Wednesday was a rough day with pain. Yesterday, though, I was able to go until 5pm without taking anything but a couple of Tylenol. Today there was more pain again and I gave in to taking meds earlier in the day. But a couple of hours later I was in more pain again (crampy/stabby) and I left work after a little more than 3 hours (instead of hanging in for 4), came home and took a bit of a higher dose of Norco, and tried to do some more work, but only lasted 45 minutes before I decided I need to just go back to it later and leave it alone for now. Know your limits, right?

In other exciting news, I have to burp really bad. And I can't. I've never been able to really burp but before the surgery my stomach would make all these really horrible gurgle noises a LOT (which drove me crazy, plus it was embarrassing). Well, that doesn't happen since the surgery which is so freaking awesome but now I have these really uncomfy chest bubbles and nothing to do about it! Something that can happen with this type of surgery, if the wrap is too tight, is make it impossible to burp and even throw up. My surgeon is really good and is very careful not to do them too tight. I think that it's probably the swelling that's preventing me from being able to burp. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little story about my bodily gasses.

Back to work full-time on Monday and that's going to be hard, but I think I'll be ready by that time. Then we have a team dinner after work which I'm looking forward to. I haven't really socialized with my team a ton and I think it will be fun. I already know I really like everyone and they're all goofy, so I know they're cool. Add in some sangria and let's see what they're like! I am a little nervous at the thought of having a glass of sangria with my boss because what if I just say something totally dumb? I'll bring my muzzle. Problem solved!

No bad dreams about work last night. Bad dreams about other (weird) stuff but at least not work, which screws me up the next day at work.


Erin, out.

Work

Don't get me wrong...I like my job. I like my company. My co-workers are great. But there is just something...off. And I don't know what it is. Having the last week off was kind of nice. I didn't miss work. I'll be honest and say that I wasn't too thrilled about coming back today. Something is wrong.

I started having the bad dreams again the last two nights. Bad dreams about work, stress, bosses chastising me over nothing, me failing and falling hard. Feeling helpless and hopeless. It's going to take a while to work through the PTSD symptoms I have left over from previous "Don't be Evil" company.

In the meantime, some things are going to suck. I'm going to be super self-conscious and paranoid. I'm going to scrutinize every single thing I do and believe that that's what my boss and co-workers are doing. I just can't help it. I find that once the dreams take a break, I start to relax a little though. May the dreams stop!

Teeth & stomach and the like

As I posted on my ortho blog today, I'm going to get me some veneers, baby! I'm obsessed with teeth and hate my teeth as they are right now and I can't wait to have a smile I like again. :)

In other news, I'm kind of stalling out on the recovery. I'm still in quite a bit of pain. Sad face. Still needing the Norco, so guess who hasn't pooped in a week? Ohhhhhh, just me. Sorry if that's TMI, but everybody poops! (Unless you're ME.)

I'm going to go into the office tomorrow (and Friday) for half a day and hopefully that will go well. It will be good for me to get out & be with people. Hopefully things will go well. I just can't imagine lying on the couch for another two days.

My tummy's all distended and it's yucky. No fun. No bueno. I need some maternity tops, pronto!

Repetition

In my drugged out state, I'm going to babble on the topic of repetition.

Repetition bugs me. I've known this for a while but I was just thinking about it some more now. I hate having to repeat myself, I hate when I say something I've already said (and people tell me), I hate when people repeat things to me, and blah blah yadda yadda. You get the picture. I hate "reps" in the gym. I hate repetition in books. I read some non-fiction (more than fiction) that are supposed to like, educate you on something, and the repetition makes me crazy. If it's too repetitive, I can't even read it. I get that repeating things is a way to teach/learn, but there's just something about it...

This sounds really OCD of me actually. Like my brain gets stuck on it and I can't get it out of my head. Thankfully, I do not have OCD! Another psychiatric diagnosis? No thank you!

I guess this is why the Facebook things bug me. I mean, I get annoyed by any repetition on there. I want to shake the people that only update about sports. Or about home schooling their kid (had to 'hide' that one's posts because I couldn't take it anymore). Or there's the dude that seems to complain about a headache or cold like, every day. Poor guy. Go to the doctor already! Or there was the person (an old neighbor) that ended EVERY update with "just sayin'" and I went fucking bonkers and had to delete her.

So where am I going with this? Am I being repetitive? Haha. Just blame the painkillers, OK?

January, thus far

So far, 2012 has kinda sucked for me. This was supposed to be like, the year, or something. After the disaster that was 2009, 2010, and 2011...I just really needed a change. Let's hope things go up from here. I don't want this month to be any indication whatsoever of how 2012 is going to be!

(I know, I know...I have to make things happen; I have to change. Trust me, I'm working on it!)

People

I can't sleep (perhaps tiramisu right before bed was a bad idea?) so you get another blog post. I was in bed, thinking random thoughts, and in some pain. So I came downstairs and just popped a Norco and decided to write.

I've always found pictures of people to be the most interesting pictures. I'd rather see 10 pictures of the same people than 2 pictures of the same sunset. Don't get me wrong -- sunsets are beautiful and la-dee-da, but I don't really need to see more than one. But with 10 pictures of people, I like to see the subtle changes -- shifts in expression, hair, etc.

I've always been interested in people. As a kid (and a freaky teenager) I was obsessed with drawing people. I even got a book like 10 years ago on how to draw faces. (I practiced noses and mouths but when it came to eyes, I gave up. I should really go back to it, because I enjoyed it.)

The way people look changes so much throughout the lifetime and it's fun to watch that change (although somewhat scary, what with the whole aging thing). I like getting holiday cards from friends and relatives with kids. I hang them up on my fridge and look at how they've changed after a year, two (OK, I don't get that many, but I enjoy the ones I do get...).

For someone so interested in people, I wish I was better with people.

Not my business

Why do I get so annoyed with other people and what they are doing? Like a friend whose EVERY status update is a picture of her baby. OK, I get that your kid's pretty cute and you're a first-time mom, but really? Every post? Is there really nothing else going on in your life?

Or the friend that I feel stays stuck in a situation... agh, I would love to bitch about it but even though she doesn't read my blog, I can't say.

It's about people I'm friends with. Like, certain things people I'm close to get on my last nerve. I just find myself wanting to yell at them a lot, but that's not who I want to be! And I do really care about my friends. So what gives? Am I just an evil, evil person or what?

Me thinks this is a good topic for therapy tomorrow!

The surgery

I don't remember too much from the surgery, possibly due to the general anesthesia, but I imagine it was good times for all! The last thing I remember is them giving me some oxygen through a mask, I closed my eyes, and I was out. I woke up in the recovery room and I think I was very thirsty, but they would only give me ice chips. I was in and out of consciousness. I couldn't talk well because of the breathing tube that was in during the surgery. (For some reason those freak me out more than catheters -- what's with that?) Speaking of catheters, I had to get one that night because I could NOT pee. This happens to me from anesthesia & painkillers. I guess my oxygen level went down so they put me on oxygen and then we got going down to my room. That's always a fun ride. They had to use a board to get me from one bed to another because there was no way I could use my stomach muscles at that point.

I posted this picture on facebook after getting to my room and oddly, 37 people "liked" it. Hospital chic! I rocked it.

OH YES, looking goooooood!

So I didn't get to my room until 2:30 which is crazy because my surgery started at 8:45. Which means I must have been out for a LONG time.

The rest of the day is a blur. I had a pain button so I could dose myself with Dilaudin every 20 minutes, which I pretty much did. I was in and out. I couldn't pee and that was horrible, so maybe at 10 that night, the nurse scanned my bladder and found that I was holding almost a liter of pee in me... so a foley catheter it was! And let me just say, that's a pretty humiliating experience. Oh and apparently I have a weird urethra? She had to call someone for help. Oh god. But it was all worth it once I started draining! And I didn't have to worry about it all night. So I had a tube up my pee hole -- no big.

The next day was frustrating. The catheter was pulled at 5:30am, which was fine. At some point in the morning I was taken off oxygen and the IV, and they finally took those annoying things off my legs. I was super itchy all night because of the painkillers and even the benadryl they did give me through the IV port didn't do much. That really sucked. I wasn't happy with my nurses that day either. After they took me off the IV they gave me 5mg of Norco and HA! thought that would resolve my pain. OHHHH NO. Then when I told my nurse it wasn't working, he had to call my doctor to get approval for more, and then I think he forgot about me, because an hour and a half later I had to page the nurse's station and bitch and moan OWWWWW! At this point I was getting pretty freaking crabby. This crappy "service" continued through the day with it just taking forever to get anything and when I finally started feeling better, could pee, and walk and wanted to get outta there -- I had to wait 2 more hours before I was discharged because nursing was so slow. My doctors had the paperwork in by 11am, technically the discharge time. Waiting around in a hospital is seriously one of the most boring things. I know I'm impatient and bored easily, but this was torturing me.

I was finally out of there at 5pm Friday. Ahhhhhhh!

Saturday I was very drugged on Norco and benadryl and spent the whole day on the couch, drugged up and sleeping. Sunday was much better. And today is better. So, that whole healing thing is going pretty well I'd say. The biggest pain point has been having an insane appetite and not being able to eat much. I have never been this interested in food in my entire life, and it's twisting up my already twisted mind.

So that's my surgery update! Funny...I'm updating this blog before I even tell the tale on my GI blog. But no one reads that thing anyway. And you guys are my favorites, of course!

Suck

A few things suck right now:

• Norco -- well, it's been pretty good for pain but I think it's giving me side-effects
• Breathing -- I feel like I can't breathe very deeply
• Pukey -- I feel like throwing up tonight (oh my god, that would hurt SO bad!)
• Food -- or lack thereof
• Pain -- generally controlled by the medication but it still hurts when I move
• Boredom!
• Mood swings -- I keep getting crabby, then sad, then back to crabby...
• Itchy -- from Norco

Home

I'm home from the hospital! I'll have a real update tomorrow when hopefully I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm told the surgery went very well though.

You drive me crazy

Come on Stanford, call me and tell me what time my surgery is! I am going crazy over here! I hate that they just tell you the night before. I'm having a lot of stress and anxiety (with nothing to take for it) so I'm having trouble concentrating at work. And I have a lot to do tonight! :\

Surgery AHOY!

SO! I'm having surgery on Thursday. That's right, this Thursday -- the 19th! I was quite surprised when I saw the surgeon and he said, "So, how about next Thursday?" But I went for it. I wanted to get it done sooner rather than later.

I don't really have anyone to help take care of me. I have to board Dakota for 5 days because I won't be well enough to take care of her. It feels kind of lonely, but I'll be OK. My gadgets will just have to be my friends. They'll see me through.

Wow, that makes it sound even more sad...

But really, this is a good thing. I need the pain to stop. I realize I'm trading it in for some discomfort, but in the end I think it'll really be worth it. And my surgeon seems pretty damn awesome. I think he'll do a good job. I have a good feeling.

Nerves

I have an appointment with my GI at 1pm today and I am a ball of nerves. Should find out what's up with my liver...

Stephen

When are you going to dump that wife of yours and come be with me, I ask you??

Appointments galore!

Total of nine freaking appointments this week (as in Mon-Fri). Two down, seven to go. As of 10am tomorrow I'll have 4 done. Ultrasound @ 7am...nervous. G-D liver!

Evil grays

I need to dye my hair because of the evil grays. I don't want to go get it professionally done right now. I'm bummed about losing my highlights though...

Anyone have any color suggestions? Like serious ones! I'm thinking of a light-med brown.

I love my pets

Health update

It's me, the old lady with the shitty health. I just found out I have to have an ultrasound of my liver because my ALT levels have been high (and going up) since November. :( I'm not so pleased. I also had my last stomach test today (barium swallow/x-rays) and it showed -- surprise -- reflux!! Duhhhh. Meeting the surgeon next Friday.

Lastly my left elbow has been killing me.

Oh, and I'm supposed to have white poop from the barium. I'll keep ya posted.

Sim

If I were a Sim, right now I'd be walking around with a red diamond above my head.

Happy